FREE-FALLING

 

They say falling inlove is a relex. Like being afraid. I never used to be afraid. I was a preety hardcore kid, i was never too scared to look under my bed cos i knew there were no monsters there. I was never scared of falling asleep cos i was afraid there were little green creatures hiding in the closet waiting to steal me away. I was never scared of the dark, certainly not of the things dat were said to lurk in the dark. I was never afraid of bullies in school or at d play ground cos i was confident in my abillity to stand up to someone three tyms my size and not lose. So yea, growing up, i was a badass girl and i never used to be afraid.
Then i started started to grow older, and to my greatest regret i discorvered that no one is above fear. At one point or the other in our lives we have all been afraid of something. We are afraid of loving too much, we are afraid of having our heart broken, we are afraid of failure, we are afraid of disappointment. Its sad how much of our lives we spend stuck in a state of being afraid. When i discorvered my fear it took me by surprise. "No... not me" i said. i culdnt belive it, there had to be a mistake somwhere. I mean come on, i was badass, i was hardcore, In my mind i culdnt be afraid of anything. This was an impossibility that became possible and i could not fathom how it came to be. Looking back now i realise that my not being able to accept my fear was in its own way a form of being afraid. You see, even at that point i was afraid of being afraid and if i hard been thinking properly i would have seen that even at that point i was proving the fact that no one is beyond fear.
Anyway, the one major fear that i discorvered i have is "committing to something that i have absolutely no control over". Giving myself completely over to something that was beyond my power. Something with a mind of its own and ultimately to someone else. You see, for someone who is always in control, for someone who is always in charge, having to be at the mercy of someting or someone that you have absolutely no power over can be the most terrifying thing that could befall him or her. You know, come to think of it, this is why i can not swim. Swimming requires you to let go and allow the water to take control. This is something that is hard for me to do. So instead i choose wat i can control and dats not knowing how to swim instead of having to let go. But falling inlove they say, is a reflex. it is mans greatest downfall and his greatest upliftment. You dont know the exact moment when it happens. it just.. it tks u by surprise. i mean one minute you are cruising and by the time you can say jack sparrow you are free falling and there s notin to break your fall, so you hope and if you have faith you pray that there s someone at the other side to catch you. This for me is the scariest shit ever. I mean, you have to completely put your faith in someone else and hope that they dont disappoint you. I dont trust people easily, so this is hard for me. I prefer to depend on myself because i know that i'll give it everything i have. But depending on someone else.. hmmm lets just say that i have been burnt and i dont wanna get burnt again.

But we cant help it now, can we? falling inlove is indeed a reflex. My reflex has kicked in once again, and once more i find myself freefalling and am praying to God... am praying so hard that this time there s someone at the other end to catch me and hold on cos i really dont wanna break again.
What are you afraid of? Lets hear them.
 

By Tessy